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A few more thoughts on the thoughtless state

Vipassana. Of all the types of meditation that I’ve known (And tried my hand at sporadically – like once in 2-3 years or so ūüė¶ ), Vipassana was the only practice that showed some immediate results. There is of course a logical explanation for that. I had no escape from it. I had no other option. Here was I, removed from the urban hullabaloo, at a secluded place somewhere in a village with all my tools of communicating – cell phone, paper, pen etc surrendered at the reception of the resort where this course took place. In addition, I wasnt supposed to talk to anyone AND all that happened for the duration of the course – 10 days, no less, was meditation. From 4. am… till 8 pm. The only windows of communication – daily 2 minute feedback session with the instructor in the afternoon and the series of video lectures every evening at 8 pm – where we were oriented on the philosophy of Vipassana. Of course the video lectures were one way communication – but still they began to matter because quiet and silence can be intimidating!

I was all gung-ho¬†about observing all the rules. Namely, observe silence – try to avoid even¬†meeting eyes with anyone –¬†practise meditation as per the instructions – for as many hours as¬†asked of us and even practise¬†homework given to us. I had a roomie and it helped that even she shared my enthusiasm. For 10 days, both of us observed these rules perfectly, even while sharing¬†a room, we did not look eye to eye and were thankful about it :). ¬†I had gone there,¬†simply because I knew it was supposed to be a difficult course – like a penance and I wanted to test it for myself. Besides, I was curious. Now I’d be hard pressed to explain why. In fact¬†perhaps, having experienced it once, it suddenly seems like a difficult thing to do again.¬†Since back then, I had no idea,¬†no pre conceived notions, I nursed a bravado….though the experience was all worth the ordeal I must say.

Though based on Buddhist philosophy, several of its tenets are similar to what we Hindus too believe – especially Karma theory and re-birth. A spirit – ‘aatma’-¬†is eternal – a witness to time. It has been subject to various acts, feelings, emotions, experiences over various births and a sort of debris¬† – of unfulfilled wishes, long-held¬†emotions – positive and negative piles up over the pureness that is aatma.So the inner voice communicates to one’s mind in this birth only through the filters of various ‘sanskars’ or the positive or negative attachments / impressions / trash that has accumulated over lifespans¬† – and so it may not always be pure. That our actions and thoughts in the present life are mostly guided by these sanskars¬†of past lives. Vipassana is the technique to slowly remove the debris and uncover the purity. As you slowly grow into the technique, you begin to experience sensory level various positive and negative vibes. Sometimes you shiver – out of fear, the other times, you shiver – out of pleasure. There are certain very prevalent sensations – you learn to associate them with a feeling. The object of Vipassana is to not only unearth, but also avoid further accumulation of trash. The only way there can be further trash is when mind is not in equilibrium – the non-zero state. Any external stimuli – an event, a person, an object, a place¬†will result in a ‘thought’ – which may be positive or negative – which is actually aatma’s response to that stimulus – but once through Vipassana, one learns to differentiate non-equilibrium state from the equilibrium state at sensory level, one can attempt to restore the balance as soon as possible and thus¬†restrict¬†the impact of that particular stimulus . In other words, if ‘fear’ is the major emotion that I have accumulated over my life spans, Vipassana teaches me to slowly reduce it and also differentiate it at sensory level from other emotion, say ‘anger’. If a meditator practises Vipassana regularly, over the time, he/she may actually recognize when the fear is subtly creeping into the mind, before it manifests itself in a reaction like¬†say anxiety or any other reaction, hold on to that moment and try to prevent that emotion from affecting the spirit any further. Another tenet was to live in ‘Now’, ‘present’ and not dwell either on past or future… that way you can control the amount of unnecessary thoughts.

Hard to explain it is…. but most of the people did experience a plethora of sensations… positive AND negative. The ultimate goal of Vipassana is eventually to become fully detached – to LIVE in a zero state. The seclusion and silence were necessary rules to avoid any external stimuli – so was absence of things like TV, phones, pen, paper, reading materials etc. We were not allowed to practise anything from our religions.

It WAS madness for first 3 days. I couldn’t¬†sleep. I believed then that silence would be capable of killing anyone. I was scared. Thousands of thoughts were¬†floating in my mind, though there wasnt anyone to talk to. At nights I lay awake and wondered how I had made it throught all these years with these many number of thoughts all running parallely…I¬†had never realised it before.¬†Just¬†like when entire city’s lights go off, suddenly, sky seems to be filled with thousands of stars… though not all my thoughts were that beautiful or even remotely¬†entertaining… silence got scarier at times. Not talking to anyone was an¬†unachievable feat for the talkative goose that yours truly can be….

¬†I was repenting the over enthusiastic and uninformed decision that I’d made to take the course. On the 3 rd afternoon, I told my instructor that I hadn’t¬†slept for more than 48 hours. She said it was okay, since I was just breathing¬† – it was all fresh air and in the midst of nature.My body probably did not need the rest and that is why I hadn’t¬†slept. Post lunch, they initiated us into Vipassana (diksha) – when we¬†were finally taught the technique. That is when I felt this was going to work. It was a smooth sailing thereafter. The thoughts slowly reduced. Occassionally I’d drift in and out of thoughtless state. Though I never stayed there for long.

Chanting of mantras, concentrating on a colour, a deity, tratak etc are all ways of stilling mind. Because one busies him/herself in this act, they reach closer to zero state Рneither living in past /nor in future, devoid of any emotions. It requires great patience and I admire all those who have maintained patience and continued to practise. Unfortunately, it took me a tragedy to be reminded of the fact that I can make my own living better Рthat I already know how.

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Zero state of being

Truth! What is the truth of life? Karma theory? perhaps. But the demise of a close relative this week has reminded me once again of a far greater and immediate truth. That we are pawns in the greater scheme of things. All hopes,dreams, ambitions, plans – everything, even the relations – father, mother, siblings, children, spouse, feelings – joy, love, hatred, jealousy, anger, ego – everything seems so meaningless, paltry, tiny, petty in the face of the fact that we don’t have control over our lives. At the end of the day – rather at the end of one’s life or quite often, even while living it, one is alone in essence. All the riches, all the pleasures, the relations, the affection – all of it loses relevance the moment you cease to exist. Sure, you’ll leave behind a legacy, heirs, riches etc – but you’d have gone through agony, frustrations, struggles to achieve it and only to conclude that it suddenly doesn’t matter anymore….So what do we plan for then? what do we dream for? why do we nurse an ambition? what is the purpose of all this?
That a man may propose lots, but the God may dispose without mercy. A minute one may plan to experience the greatest pleasure of life and the next moment he may not exist anymore…

I remember the teachings of Vipassana course that I took almost 5 years back,out of sheer curiosity. 10 days full of rigorous meditation – in a secluded place, right from 4 am in the morning till 8 pm at night. I followed it to the T. For 10 days, I did not speak with anyone, except with my instructor, once in a day! What an experience it was….at the end of it, I was convinced that the teachings WOULD work, should a person practise the type of meditation regularly. Well, the goal of Vipassana was to reach and remain in zero state of mind.

Zero state of being! what would it be? the experience of a moment extended through the practice of life time! A state of mind with no negatives….and likewise, no positives either! a phase of time with no fears, sorrows, anger and likewise no laughter, hopes or love… a vacuum perhaps?? devoid of ‘feelings’? That is why timeless state of being! Feelings are always with reference to some event in time – past-present-future – and one’s reaction to it! So zero state of being must be timeless experience.I cannot say that I havent experienced it. During the course of Vipassana, I had smallish glimpses now and then, into the world of quiet. But the moment I was out of that cocoon of seclusion and into the madness of day-to-day life, I unlearned most of the technique as I did not practise it much. Now I’d need some help to remember how to even begin.

I remember and still believe its teachings though, having experienced their effect firsthand during the 10 day course.One of which is practising zero state of being.Detachment.Letting go of hatred, anger, fear, negativity – likewise, letting go of attachments, love, affection, positivity – because emotions and feelings – positive and negative are the causes of deepest sorrows. I have always believed that the deepest sorrow must be following the greatest experience of pleasure.Because it will be similar to hitting bottom after you’ve sprung to the greatest height. That to experience pleasures, one must make oneself vulnerable even to deepest sorrows.

As a being who wishes from time to time to experience it all, I tell myself that pleasure and pain would be part of life.But the losses experienced lead me to realise time and again that the cost of pleasure, planning, ambitions, ego etc would be measured in pain, sorrow, hatred…that I must submit, surrender to the greater force and try – not to get attached – to any thing – place – person – emotion – thought. Positively or negatively. Life is a zero sum game.Though it cannot be explained in a single lifetime. The Karma prevails…..